How Not to Be A Nice Girl and Find True Love

I know what you're thinking. When did being nice become a bad thing? And what does this have to do with finding love? I assure you, this is less about your moral compass and more about your propensity to be so nice that you accept and tolerate unhealthy, toxic people and behaviors at the risk of not being seen as "nice" and at the risk of being abused.

It's not our fault though, but rather a syndrome brought on by years of unconscious and conscious socialization and conditioning fed by societal, familial and even experiential circumstances. Those false beliefs lead us to internalize certain behaviors as normal. That includes being a "yes" girl, appeasing to people's wants and desires particularly that of men, never showing signs of anger or aggression even if you're the target of that very same aggression, always being pleasant and cheerful, and to never disappoint, to be seen and not heard, to always be shy and quiet and calm and "keeping to oneself" and of course you must do this with a smile, well dressed and as though nothing ever bothers you.

According to psychologist and author Beverly Engel, "a Nice Girl is more concerned about what others think of her than she is about what she thinks of herself. She is more concerned about other people’s feelings than she is about her own. And she is more concerned about giving people the benefit of the doubt than she is about trusting her own perceptions."

In the article, she goes on to define synonyms for the word "nice" and here's what she found in the dictionary: "careful, pleasant, subtle, agreeable, likable, delightful, good, admirable, pleasing." All words that so many of us nice girls are way too invested in and as a result, we sacrifice ourselves and our well-being often leading to abusive and toxic relationships. Believe it or not, our need to be nice deters us from protecting ourselves. In essence, being a nice girl is NOT SAFE.

Another factor of the "nice girl" syndrome stems from our subconscious belief that we are the weaker sex. After all men are bigger and stronger and can harm us if they please, and so we consider our safety as being dependent on the goodwill of a man. In her book, The Nice Girl Syndrome, Engel goes on to say that "the nice girl behavior sets women up to be misused and abused." (Engel, 2008). How many of us have actually made a conscious decision to go out on a date, or talk to someone we didn't care to or wasn't even attracted to because we didn't want to hurt their feelings? How many of us have wanted to say the word "no" so many times but battle with being perceived as uncaring or unkind? How many of us have played small at work, kept quiet or didn't speak up for ourselves for fear of being seen as disagreeable or a troublemaker? If this is you, and I'm sure at some point in our lives this has been all of us, then we have not only been putting ourselves in danger, but also selling ourselves short.

So how do we undo this nice girl mess? First of all, stop seeing yourself as a girl. You're a woman. A strong woman! and it's time to embrace this new level of maturity and step into your power. Begin to change those dangerous beliefs about who you are as a woman and more importantly as a human being. Never put your safety or self-esteem aside to protect anyone. Know that being nice does not guarantee that others will treat you fairly or respect you should be comfort enough to give you the courage to stand up for yourself when needed. A strong woman wants a man in her life but not at the price of herself or her peace of mind. If you don't feel valued, if he shoves you, hits or punches you, degrades you and insults you, tries to control what you say and do, then he's not for you. That isn't love.

Strong women respect others but also know how to stand up for themselves. Stop giving weak minded and abusive men who don't serve you or your purpose in life second, third and fourth chances. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Be intuned and aware of your own feelings and trust your intuition. This is probably the biggest one!. God gave us natural instincts as a protective mechanism, but over the years we have lost this connection to ourselves because of this very same false 'nice girl' conditioning. We have lost our connection to our inner selves because we are too busy trying to be someone else. Too busy putting on a facade in order to make others love and accept us. Often we become so caught up with others, namely our partner, our work and even our children that we neglect and abuse ourselves, losing touch with who we are and becoming numb to our own feelings and needs. It's time to take better care of yourself.

Shedding these deeply rooted beliefs won't be easy nor will it happen overnight. In fact, it may feel frightening. Ridding yourself of your old, false persona (the one you created to make you socially acceptable) may leave you feeling vulnerable and naked and may even disappoint others. But this is key to healing and in time finding and nurturing healthy relationships.

At the very core of evolving from a nice girl to a strong and assertive woman is our ability to find and nurture our true authentic self. Making her shine through will open doors that you never knew existed. It will lead you to like-minded people, it will give you clarity and allow you to discern what you need and don't need in your life. Making you a priority opens you up to a self-love that will blow your mind. It reveals a calm and peace that is most rewarding. Rather than looking for someone to complete you, or someone you feel the need to fix, you will find yourself in an easy love. A love that takes its time, that moves slowly, yet intentionally. A love that has no crazy obsessive highs and lows that leave you feeling emotionally spent, unloved, disrespected and alone. But rather a love that is filled with peace and calm with beautiful ebbs and flows that make you feel at home with no fear. It's the place where you will find rest because it will feel right.

I highly suggest reading Beverly Engel's book Nice Girl Sydrome. This book was pivotal in changing my life and much of the false beliefs that I carried with me that led me to multiple failed relationships and an abusive marriage. Knowledge is key to enlightenment and living the life you deserve.

Happy International Women's Day!